It’s been an awfully long time since I last wrote a post for my blog and that is largely because I haven’t known how to say what I want to say and I still don’t. I cannot however use that as a reason to avoid talking (writing) at all.
I often find that I get consumed by a single thought or activity until I have seen it through to it’s conclusion, this can be as small as finishing telling someone something or as big as having a life changing realisation and seeing that through it’s metamorphosis in to a new me shared with the world. To be clear it’s the same me but realisation can leave me feeling sparkly and new. So recently I have been a bit preoccupied with exploring the world and relationships inside new parameters which has and is painful at times but altimately it has been very positive. I am however not ready to talk about that quite yet.
What I did what to talk about is my experience of an all encompassing thought, activity, event or anything else like the number 37. To talk about this I would like to share a story about a current obsession. It is best that I start by saying that Boris (I’ve changed your name) I am sorry you shouldn’t have to wait for your birthday present but hopefully the wait will be worth it and won’t be as long as the wait to get your lawn mower back.
So earlier this year I converted my garage into a workshop space, I like building things and wanted a space to build my rockets. When planning what I wanted to build I watched hours of videos online to get ideas. Now Boris likes playing Chess so after much deliberation I decided I would make him a chess board for his birthday. At this point I should be clear that I had already watch 40 to 50 videos of people making Chess boards I was and am completely clear on what needed to be done, so that should be it right just get the materials and start building, after all it is something I love to do. Wrong, this is just the start. Now being hyper focused and very detailed in my thinking and planning can mean that the work I do is well thought out, thorough and done to a resonably high standard.
What I don’t like is having to compromise, something I have to do all of the time. So given even a little leeway to do things the way I want I tend to throw compromise and time frames out the window. This all sounds great in principle but in practice the world refuses to march to my drum, something I’m told is perfectly reasonable. So no putting work on hold, no shutting myself away and apperently it is not always welcomed if you share every detail of your thoughts and plans with your better half who has no interest in building a Chess board or anything else for that matter. The Chess board has been in the planning for three months now and every detail is planned in my mind, well almost every detail. There are no pictures and nothing is written down but I can take you through the design process and explain each evolution of the plan in detail my brain works on it constantl, even now whilst I write this I am refining the plans for creating the boards boarder.
My brain has no respect for time or my need for sleep it is presented with a task and then whirs away until that task is completed. It also has little consideration fo what I can and cannot practically do instead it finds solutions and see my lack of skill as just another challenge to overcome. This over years has seen me learn how to do a number of things, most recently how to build a website that can track, create and award awards. What it won’t except is “that will do” the suggestion generates feedback that goes something like.
Me – It would be nice if I could create a micro board within each square.
Brain – Yes it would I like that, how could it be done?
Me – I don’t know I think I would have to completely redesign the board. I’m tired now I should go to sleep.
Brain – How could I redesign the board?
Me – No sleep, I just want to sleep. Oh I like that I could probably just….
Brain – Yes you could let’s plan it out….
My brain doesn’t mean let’s sketch out an idea it means let’s plan ever tiny little detail. Sleep gets me eventually and rest comes, now I am pretty sure that some may think that separating myself from my brain is at best a little strange and at worst a serious form of psychosis.. All I can say is that I am fully aware that my brain and I are one in the same I have just always talked things through with myself, it’s just that these days I try to do it in my head and not out loud. Also I don’t always see eye to eye with myself. This often results in name calling hurt feelings and a lot of sulking. I have experienced all be it briefly what it is like not to have this constant whir of activity in my head and I never wish to experience it again. So as long as There are Boris’s how are patient and understanding I will be thankful, work through the process my way and finish feeling I haven’t compromised and I have worked out the puzzle.
Aspie and Proud