The clock ticks, its sound is invading the space around me and slowly crawling inside my head.
Tick, Tick, Tick
Knock, Knock, Knock
Bang, Bang, Bang
I can feel it now, like a constant rhythm banging inside my head. I can still hear the voice but it’s disappearing, melding with the bang. The other voices start now, they are all talking together but I can’t tell who is saying what. The sounds join together to form one banging, grating and stabbing noise. It hurts, I want to grip my head to stop the noise, but I can’t. They’re looking at me now someone has asked me a question and I haven’t heard, I apologies and ask them to repeat it.
I groan when somebody asks “can you turn the lights on?” the click, the hum and the harsh bright light, I’m driven to screw my eyes shut as the needles spear into them joining with the cacophony of sound. My head is starting to spin, my heart is racing I can feel the primal urge to run or fight. The questions keep coming and I still answer, straining to hear and to see. It’s exhausting, I can’t do this much longer.
Then comes the smell, coffee mixed with bodies and the perfume, the sweet clawing perfume. It’s burning my nose and turning my stomach, I can taste it now and it’s making me light headed and sick. My senses are screaming as everything starts to overwhelm me. It’s to much I have to leave to run, I’ll do anything to get out. If you stand in my way I will move you, if you resist I will fight. I just can’t take it any more.
On the outside all is still, I don’t move. Not looking at others or staring intently, I’m driving my feet into the ground, tensing my hands which I’m sitting on and tightening every muscle below in my body to stop them moving. It takes a little longer to answer questions and I’m very still, otherwise nobody notices anything. I’m quite good at this, passing and appearing to be “normal” if a little strange. I’ve been at it for a long time now and I know what the consequences of not passing are.
It causes pain, physical and emotional exhaustion and drives a sense of anxiety that grows and encompasses my entire universe. I want blackness, I want it gone most of all I want it to end. Some days this is just in the hear and now on other days it’s in totality. It becomes to much. I don’t want to leave this world, my friends and my family, especially my family. I just get so tired, drained and exhausted. It feels like I want to sleep and sleep and sleep forever. But I can’t, I don’t.
Then the dam starts to break, my resistance is weakening my toes are fidgeting, now it’s my foot, my leg, both legs. My hands have started now and the muscles in my arms clench an relax over and over. I’m touching my fingers against my thumbs over and over in turn. My body is hammering out a rhythm, the churning that was inside is flowing through me and out of my legs, feet, hands and arms. My nose isn’t burning, I don’t feel sick and the needles have been pulled from my eyes.
I’m back to tick, tick, tick and I can hear and see those who are talking to me. It may not be comfy and it’s not exactly pleasant but it’s so much better than it was. The only noticeable difference is others may see me as being a bit fidgety and more focused on the conversation, more able to think. Everything that’s happening is hidden under a table.
This is not me entering a busy bar or night club, this is the first ten minutes of a meeting at work, I’m still trying to hide my stims but I have stopped trying to suppress them completely. They don’t just regulate and calm me, they provide a feeling that I don’t think I can describe. It’s warm flowing sense moves through me, parts of me moving frantically, this isn’t draining in the same way as staying still, it’s relaxing, invigorating and tiring at the same time. If I have to stim a lot through the day I can be very tired by the time I get home but now I can shut it all out, relax and just stim for the sake of stimming.
Aspie and Proud